Finance Minister’s Stimulus Package
By Madan Lamsal
Responding to queries of journalists about how he is going to fill the budget deficit, the Finance Minister said that as stated in the budget speech he will do it by opening 4,000 new cooperatives like pawn shops in all VDCs of the country backed by the support of the coalition parties in the government.
Funded by donations and grants from small traders to big ones, the state-of-the-art cooperatives will be opened at places where Maoists used to run their industries of Khukris and pistols. And the model of running these units will be PPP meaning Paisa, Power and Politics.
FM said he expected to open many more cooperatives in all the VDCs shortly, as more taxpayers lose their ‘homes’, and home ownership becomes an ‘alien’ concept and finally all rural people become proletariat in a true sense. Because the sole motive of the Maoist party and the government is to make everybody a real proletariat so as to fight against the landlords and ex-king Gyanendra.
 The cooperatives in the country will be deluged with family heirlooms, stolen goods like bikes and cars and personal mementoes, chicken and goats so that the people can buy them thereby assuring a financial success for the new venture. But all the goods will have the inscription “Only in Nepal” on them.
In addition, the shops will be selling lottery tickets and chips which will allow people to play in the casinos to further aid the poor people. The proposed scratch off lottery game, called “janaguntantra” will award the confiscated properties to winners, according to the amount of matching numbers picked randomly by Matrika Yadav from a fish bowl of numbered ping pong balls inside the House of Representatives at BICC where these days nothing much else happens anyway.
As a further aid to both rural and urban dwellers, voter registration cards will be given to each of the cooperative members in addition to Rs 50 cash as a party loyalty allowance.
With the cost of food and energy rocketing sky high, the FM has arranged that members of various gangs and armed groups can also pawn their weapons and avail the loan they want. What does a cooperative manager look for in a loan application? “To break the continuation, we don’t consider their balance sheet, net worth, liquidity and outside income. Instead we look if the person will be ours tomorrow. That’s all,” says the FM.
In case the members of the cooperatives are not able to pay back the loan, we will give them hard cash or rescue them through a loan waiver scheme, he adds.
The new cooperative stores feature 24-hour DJ sessions, live rap performance and Rum Punch. Dance bar and night club customers are invited to camp in their parking lot overnight up to 6 months, rent free. Twenty-four hour YCL service is available for anything from non-prescription drugs to Gorkha Beer and night show movie bookings.
Full-size posters and Mao-style lockets of a smiling Prachanda offering cash are featured at every wall at the cooperative stores under the headline .....“PEOPLE, YOUR JANAGUNTANTRA IS COMIN!! ”
FM also informed that more money than ever is also coming in from an unprecedented number of sources; from the Chinese, Europeans to Utopians and from commercial banks and finance companies and brokers for financing sick corporations.
“At the individual level, however, seeking money is not an issue at all as we have experienced our sister organisations will easily collect it for the party. Some of our well wishers from business and banking fraternity have already started to do it,” said the FM in a press conference attended by about a dozen senior editors.
The FM further said; “We are even considering opening up separate gambling houses in those districts where we have less revenue collection. That will fill the budget deficit with the government and trade deficit with India.
To ensure that every Nepali could play the game, the FM has mandated each casino to have at least a dozen of back doors so that no Nepali will be left out. The players can also get loans from banks at a concessional interest rate of 1%. “This way,” he said, “everyone will be able to afford many tickets”.
The FM further adds: “I’m sure my colleagues in the Congress will help me in this stimulus plan!”
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